Honey and Vinegar

Ok here comes the wisdom ... "If you take a gallon of vinegar and put one drop of honey in it, would you drink that gallon of honey just desperately hoping to taste that drop of honey?? "This was my fiance Barry's analogy, but I'm stealing it for this blog. When you're in an abusive relationship, whether emotional or physically abusive, this is precisely what you're doing. That drop of honey is the sweetness the abuser (man or woman) uses to reel you in, but soon after you're hooked the vinegar comes in and you keep thinking that they'll change, it'll get better etc. But it won't and here's why. That sweetness wasn't really there. They might love you but they cannot maintain their "good"side because for whatever reason they haven't really got a good side. Abusers need to belittle, control, and sometimes hurt you physically. When you leave and they've lost control you might get a tiny glimpse or taste of that sweetness, but that's because they know it worked before. If you go back chances are it will get worse. I've been in several abusive relationships and due to very low, almost nonexistent I self esteem I stayed much longer than I should have and put up with far more than I would have if I'd had more self worth. The last one never hit me, though he drew back like he was going to once and I threatened to tell his mom. He threw a fork and hit me in the forehead though.When we got together I was almost 30, living in a cute house and going to college. I was maintaining a B average and had a nice car, tons of friends, an adorable house (rented) and was very close to my family. We met at an AA meeting and I thought he was so hot! He bought me gifts, came to see me a lot and after less than a month moved in with me and my daughter. He was always sweet to her too. After he moved in I quit college, I never went to meetings alone if he didn't go I couldn't go or he would pout. I couldn't hang out with my friend's or he would get mad and say I cared more about them than him. If my friends stopped by he would get mad and slam doors and pout. We moved soon after he moved in to a trailer and of course I had to put up the money for everything because he was laid off (fired) then my car just quit working suddenly (I found out he broke it on purpose)after we broke up and my dad looked at it so I had no car and had to beg to borrow his. He would cuss and scream at me all the time for any little thing.(the fork incident was because my daughter sniffled while we were eating) .He started screaming at her all the time and kicked her and broke her tailbone (though at the time I thought he kicked at her and missed) I still feel awful that I didn't leave that instant. I started beauty school and he would show up and just stand outside spying. Towards the end I caught him in my daughter's bedroom standing over her at 3:00 a.m. and it terrified me, but still I didn't leave him..he left me because I was still looking for that drop of honey. Let me tell you now there is no honey and if you're waiting for it to get better, don't because it won't!

Crap

So I was born with scoliosis,I lost a kidney, five toes, an ovary and most of my mind in the last 15 years. Now last December I was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease and this December (2012) I was diagnosed with spinal stenosis. It seems like I've had more than my fair share of crap flung at me in the last ten+ years and yet I keep waking up and doing my thing. To be honest some days I cry a lot and wonder why me? A dear sweet friend of mine (Melinda) told me yesterday that I have an uplifting spirit. I often wonder why I am here and what the purpose could be for all my suffering because I suffer, quite a lot actually. Here's what I tell myself. It's better to poke fun at my issues and laugh about my afflictions because when I cry I get all snot nosed red puffy eyed Skerry looking splotchy-faced and scare myself when I pass a mirror. There are worse things that could happen and I intend to keep laughing until I'm ready for my dirt nap!! Y'all remember "it'll get better at the end, if it ain't better, it ain't the end! " or some crap like that :)

"Knife And Forrrrk "

Ok this is a fictional story. It didn't happen and even if it did it wasn't me and you can't prove it was and even if you could the statute of limitations has run out...I think...anyway it's fiction! So my sister Tammy and I had met a girl and for the protection of me (honestly she might kick my butt) we will call her Josephine because I don't actually know anyone named Josephine! So Tammy (her real name) and I had started hanging with this girl and this one night the three of us and another girl who I can't remember even what she looks like much less her name so I'll call her Jenna. So we had gotten some alcohol and been drinking A LOT and I don't know who had the idea to do crank calls but Josephine started dialing numbers and getting hung up on when some dude named Chuck (real name) answered. He starts flirting and she invites him over. He ended up being creepy (go figure) so we ran him off berating him and calling him names. We were mean. Then she starts dialing again and the next guy that shows up is cute and driving a nice Lincoln Town Car so Josephine and the dude (Marty maybe?)go back to the bedroom and Tammy, Jenna and I get bored real quick and we notice dude left his car keys.....we all jumped up and I grabbed the keys and though I didn't have my pillows (I'm short) we decided I was oldest so I was the driver! I was also the least drunk so there was that too! We drove down every back road in Henry County and discovered a fancy camera and a cooler of beer which we proceeded to guzzle with gusto! We finished his roll of film with pics of the steering wheel, our feet, the glove box and floor board. We smashed his cooler (it was styrofoam (sp?) When we finally got back he was waiting, nostrils flaring, smoke and flames coming out his ears! When I saw him waiting I panicked and hit the gas instead of the brakes and ran into the garage door!! He was threatening to call the po-po and we told him "go ahead pervert we'll be happy to tell them you were having sex with Josephine here who's only 16!!"Well that shut him up and Tammy kicks his car and screams "Be gone creepazoid!! "And stomps/staggers back to the house! She walked inside and leaned against the wall and yelled "Knife and forrrk!! " she slid down the wall in a heap and passed out. It would have been one of the most eventful nights of my misspent youth....if it were true!! ;)

Don't White Knight The Gimpy Girl

First let me explain the difference between "taking up for" someone and "white knighting." Taking up for someone is saying "hey leave them alone you're being a jerk!" White knighting is more like a back-handed compliment, like "hey leave them alone they can't help it that they're all crippled up and can't do anything!" You're telling them to leave me alone but calling me useless at the same time. Rude. I will give you an example of when someone was white knighting me. I was four years old and in a body cast. It was Halloween and I didn't get to go trick or treating. Our neighbor,( apparently in a drunken stupor I've recently discovered) decided that just would not do! Every passel of kids that came to her door had to follow her,staggering over to our side of the duplex and when we let them in she would point at a spot next to me on the floor (she was drunk lol) and yell at those kids "Look at that poor crippled girl!! Look at her!! She's crippled and can't go trick or treating like you can!! Give her some of your candy!!" Even though I got more candy that year than any other year I was so embarrassed I wanted to crawl under something, but I had on a body cast and there was no place to hide! So, if you wanna take up for me be my guest but don't white knight the gimpy girl...she will cut you!

My First Valentine's Day With Barry

Your first Valentine's Day with someone is always important ...the romance is fresh and new and it's all glowing smiles and sparkling eyes...my first Valentine's Day with Barry started out rocky/hilarious. I had bought paper hearts, and made a big homemade card and hung above the bed, I painstakingly made a sweet trail of paper hearts from the front door to the bedroom where I had lit candles and put his gift on his desk. I waited and I heard him come in from work and waited for him to follow the trail ...and waited...and waited. I heard him stop outside the door thinking he was anticipating or excited but I hear instead muffled giggling. "What's so funny? I'm trying to be sexy here? " I thought to myself. I opened the door and he's standing there looking at the floor cracking up. I look and the cats have slapped the paper heart trail and it was now leading to the litterbox! Every time I try to be sexy that's the crap that happens! Like flipping my hair then rolling it up in the car window. Driving down the road sucking in my cheeks and the hot guy in the car next to me smiling because he sees my hair hanging out the window....walking into a concrete pole while looking at a cute guy looking at me...backed into a telephone pole ....you get the idea. We had a great night that night, he took me to Capone's a fancy restaurant and put the gift certificate for a spa day in my menu. I'm such a goof I don't even try anymore to be sexy but if I do decide to try again I'm sure I'll have a new story to share! Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Cute Boys With Long Hair Get Me In Trouble Every Time

Since tomorrow is Valentine's Day I thought I would share an embarrassing story about a cute boy with long hair that I semi-stalked in college!! First of all let me say I have this obsession with boys who have long hair and if I can get away with it I will touch their hair or if I'm really lucky they let me run my fingers through it, though they usually only let me do that once because I tend to squeal and giggle maniacally. So I had been following this blond guy around surreptitiously (well as surreptitiously as a gimpy girl with a bad limp and humpback can) and this fine spring day I was outside smoking. I usually smoked a few puffs then put it out and saved the rest for later. I was standing there when hot blond guy (that's still what I call him I never knew his name) walked up and started talking to me. At first I looked behind me and all around because I thought he couldn't be talking to me, but he was! So we chit chat and I put my cigarette out and put the other half in my backpack and go inside (bumping into the door because I was still looking at hot blond guy) I was standing outside the computer lab waiting for my friend Sylvia. Someone stuck their head out of the door and sniffed the air and said "I smell fireworks! " I looked to my left and.....FLAMES were shooting up behind my head!!! While ogling hot blond guy, I failed to notice my cigarette wasn't out when I put it in my backpack so while I stood there it smoldered and caught my backpack on fire!! I ran-hobble-limped to the water fountain and put it out and almost died of embarrassment! This is why cute boys with long hair get me in trouble every time!! I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentine's Day!

It's The Little Things ....

When I was with my daughter's father (my babydaddy)it was the little things that made me happy. He was a lying liar who cheated constantly and smacked me around on a regular basis. Though I did have a few instances of sweet, sweet vengeance. I fractured his skull with a 1974 Chevy Nova car door. I knocked him out "cold " with half a gallon of ice cream and I crapped the bed with him in it. Yes, you read that right. Here's what happened....I was very sick with my kidney poisoning me slowly and he would go out every night (whoring around) and leave me home so sick I literally had to crawl to the bathroom sometimes. Well we had gone to bed and I guess in my dream I though it was a fart....it wasn't. I crapped the bed. I mean it was all over the bed. In my hair on my pillow down to my ankles and all over him too. I got up, got a shower, made myself a bed on the loveseat (with garbage bags under the sheets) and went back to sleep. I slept hard until I heard him say "what the hell? " I went into the bedroom and he's covered head to toe with drying crap and looking mightily confused. He looks at me and says "How the hell did I crap that much and not have anything INSIDE my underwear?? " yes indeed sometimes it's the little things.. :-)

Never Judge a Book By The Cover

Growing up handicapped I was always picked last for any sport and I was made fun of on a daily basis. When I got old enough to wear makeup I made sure to learn how to do my makeup flawlessly. I loved seeing the difference when I was finished and since I never got invited out I would practice all the time doing different makeup techniques and cutting and styling my own hair. I also figured out that as long as I was inside my car I looked like a "normal " pretty girl. I would go out cruising and a few times boys who knew me would try to pick me up until they realized it was me (they usually didn't realize it until I pointed it out) . This caused an epiphany. No one much noticed my face when I was walking around because they were staring at the hump on my back. This led to a whole new set of insecurities and caused me to panic when a cute boy wanted me to get out of my car and talk. As soon as they saw all of me they were outta there most of the time. Now I'm getting older I've started realizing that the people who see me in my jeep parked in a handicap spot get angry and some have actually berated me for taking a spot I don't need. Then I get out of the jeep and they're put in their place and I smirk at them as I hobble into Walmart to get a scooter and shop. Here's the thing though.....I too am guilty of judging people by their "covers ". I think to myself "why is that huge man/woman in that scooter? " or "Being fat is not a handicap it's a choice!!" I get mad and think how I wish all I had to do to look great and be healthy is lose a few pounds! Here's where I am learning how wrong (and hypocritical) I really am acting. I realize now not everyone who is overweight is a glutton. The person I am judging may have health issues that cause them to be bigger. I am learning that if I don't want to be judged then I shouldn't judge others. It's a sometimes painful lesson. Soooooo the moral of today's story is....instead of making up a story about what you see on a person's outside, think about what could be on their inside because you want the same from those who might see and judge YOU!!!