Another Year

So three days ago was my birthday. I turned 46. I was looking back on my life and some of the things I have gone through, surgeries, sickness, scoliosis, abuse, childbirth, motherhood, sisterhood, you name it I have been through it. I was thinking about how strong everyone thinks I am and how nice everyone says that I am and thinking about how awful I used to be when I was younger. I was a terrible daughter, a terrible wife, a terrible mother, a most awful friend and an even worse sister. I was mean. I try now to be a good person, to make up for all the ugliness that I used to be made up of and sometimes I do great, sometimes I fall short. I was going to write a long emotional blah blah blah, but I decided to tell you guys a story about a war I had with our neighbor, George. It will give you an idea of how mean I was when I was younger. So George didn't like me and I certainly did not like him. He would come over when his wife was alive and bring cookies she had baked for me and my sister and tell my sister they were for her but if she wanted to share with me she could but she didn't have to. He would turn the hose on me when I was trying to lay out in the sun. Then he started throwing rotten vegetables in our yard, cigarette butts, rotten meat, you name it. Well then he got some wind chimes and hung them over where they would irritate me because they were right outside my window. I kept getting madder and madder because they were really big and loud. I got to thinking, hey daddy hoards toilet paper, so my sister and I got a roll each and we went out and stuffed each chime on his wind chimes all the way full of toilet paper, taking a stick and poking it up in there real good. They quit ringing after that and he would come out and look at the chimes, I would watch from my window and when he would look up at me I would smirk. He never did figure out what we did lol. I also took the rotten food and threw it in his back door and the cigarette butts and duct taped them to his car, let the air out of his tires so he thought they had leaks, and just generally tormented him. He was awful.....but I didn't have to be that way. I chose to be that way. Today I try to be nice to everyone and help everyone in any way it is possible for me to help. I try not to be hateful or say mean things I will have to apologize for, not necessarily because I am a better person, but I really hate to apologize.

Mothering Part 3

Last fall I met someone that I have come to see as a mother figure. Her name is Carolyn and she is the sweetest, funniest woman. She moved into the apartment across the parking lot from me and I just knew when I saw her that I would like her so I went over and introduced myself. Almost every day since then I go over to her house or she comes to mine and we sit and talk and giggle. I have been taking pictures of nature and birds and have gotten her into looking for birds for me to photograph. We get out and go to the store some days or go hunting for barns to take pictures of and we have so much fun just riding around and acting silly. The first barn we found is what we call "our barn" and we go by there every time she goes with me to the doctor. We stop and get out of the jeep and smoke and look around. I have taken some wonderful pictures of the view through the window of the barn. We go on adventures to different places and she is one of my best friends. She is funny and silly and though some days we are not feeling so great we try to cheer each other up. I am blessed beyond measure with three mothers when most people only get one. I love you, Carolyn!! Happy Mother's Day!!

Mothering Part 2

When I met my fiancé, Barry, I had no idea I would gain another mother. Barry told me when I was going to meet his mother for the first time that she was going to think I was the girl who was stealing her son away from her. Lol you have to know Barry's mom, Norma, to know how funny that is and how not true. When she answered the door, she put her arms around me and hugged me tight and that was that, I had another mother. When we go to visit, she always makes me potato patties and pineapple casserole. She is so good to me. I am not just blessed with my mother, but with Barry's mother too, and let me tell you she raised a good man. She is the sweetest, smartest, most kindhearted woman. I have never felt so accepted and loved by someone outside of my family as I have with Barry's mother. She is intelligent but doesn't flaunt it and she treats me like I am her daughter so when I met Barry I gained a whole other family. How many women do you hear complaining about their in-laws and getting in fights with them? Not me, not Norma. I wish we could be with my mom and Norma today but we can't so I hope they are having a great day. I love you, Norma!! Happy Mother's Day!!

Mothering Part 1

Today is Mother's Day and I am blessed to still have my mother with me. When I was growing up we fought like cats and dogs and I was terrible as a teen. I don't want to think about all the horrible things I have said to my mother in my lifetime. I had no idea how much she loved me, or how much she did for me and put up with from me, until I had a beautiful daughter of my very own. I don't know what I would do without my sweet daughter Courtney. She has grown into a beautiful, strong, intelligent, kind hearted woman that I am so very proud of and blessed to have in my life. I remember how Momma used to get me up after she made us go to bed and let me watch 30 minutes of tv with her when daddy was on nights. I can't convey into words how special my mother has always made me feel. She thinks I am a writer, a purveyor of words, a poet, intelligent, pretty, witty and funny but really she is all of those things and more. My mother is beauty. She is smart, and hilarious, she is a writer, a poet, a songstress (I can't carry a tune in a bucket with a lid on top)she is witty and most of all she is mine. God chose her for me because we belong together. I imagine it was frightening to be handed a severely disabled child and not have a clue what to do, and though she thinks she didn't do so well, she did a wonderful job. I love my mother with every fiber of my being. Who I am today was shaped by all the fun and silly things, all the touching and special things, all the creative ways she made my sister and I feel special and loved are what made me who I am and for that I am so very grateful. I love you, mommie. Happy Mother's day!!

Road Trips With My Father

Last year I wrote a post for my father's birthday and this year I am doing the same thing of course. Partly because that man is hard to buy for and partly because I want to tell you all about a few of my favorite memories of my father. He turns 72 today, Happy Birthday, Daddy you are the best and I love you! When I was little I had to go every so often to the scoliosis clinic in Memphis for checkups to make sure my scoliosis wasn't getting worse (or better who really knows). We would get up before the sun came up at around 4:30 a.m. and get in the car and go to Memphis. Sometimes my mother and sister went, but most times it was me and daddy on a road trip. To this day, the sound of the tires on the interstate and the sound of a passing semi makes me smile and think of my daddy. We would get the appointment over with and then always, always stopped at Stuckey's for something to eat on the way home. There was one time that the car broke down and we got a ride from a truck driver to the truck stop where we hung out and waited for someone to come and get us. I met Carl Perkins that day. I remember those times as some of the best times because it was me and daddy, on the road listening to Johnny Cash or Don Williams on the 8-track player. I would look over at my daddy, so young at the time, and think he was the strongest, smartest, most handsome man in the world. I still look at him that way. My daddy knew how to fix anything and I still think he is the most handsome man I know. I think the most proud he has ever been of me, is when I gave him a grandchild. I have never seen him smile so big before or since. He scooped her up and took her up and down the hallways of the hospital, where he didn't know a single person, and showed her off to everyone he passed. That was the greatest feeling in the world right there, knowing I did something that made my daddy proud.

Haunted by Christmas Past

Yesterday was Christmas day, 2013. I am 45 years old so that means I have lived through 45 Christmas celebrations. I don't remember the first few obviously, but the first Christmas that I really remember is when I was about five or six years old and we had an aluminum tree. I was in the Christmas pageant at church and I remember rehearsing my lines over and over in the car and at home before going and then getting up in front of everyone and freezing up. I couldn't utter a single syllable. The next Christmas that I can recall I was in third grade I believe, we lived at 1103a East Wood Street in Paris, Tennessee. I remember that my sister and I were supposed to be asleep and we had left Santa an apple, of all things. We were whispering and listening when we heard a noise in the attic. There were footsteps, and then a crash, and lots of curse words I won't repeat here and then we heard the gifts being put under the tree and crunching as he ate the apple. It was a familiar voice. That is when we discovered that Santa and our father were the same guy. I don't remember any other Christmas until we lived on Manley street. Then it was all about telling our parents what we wanted and hoping we got it. Our family wasn't rich, but I don't remember ever being disappointed at Christmas as far as gifts that we wanted. However there was one thing that always happened to me every single year if I got a Barbie doll. I don't know why, but every Barbie doll I ever got broke immediately after I got it out of the box. Either the arm, leg, head or one time the whole thing broke in half. I called it the Barbie curse. I also refused to play at all with my sister unless she played with the broken doll. One year when the doll head fell off I just smooshed it down onto the neck until it stayed put and then she had no neck and I made my sister play with "no neck Barbie ". I was a horrible sister. Anyway I was remembering all of this and thinking how blessed we were then and how blessed we are now. Even with the curse on my Barbie dolls Christmas was always special and magical to me. I hope everyone had as good a Christmas as I did and many more to come. I'll be funny next blog just reminiscing this time around.

Other People's Lives

I have never really had what you would call a "Good" day. I don't tell you this to make you feel sorry for me, I don't know what I am missing so it's all good. I tell you this so you will understand why I think the way I do about other people's lives. I have always been sick, or in pain. ALWAYS. I don't really ever feel like doing anything much besides getting on the computer or reading. A nurse told me that one step for a normal person is like ten steps for me. Think about that for a minute. Think of all the steps you took today, now multiply that by ten. I have a dear friend who is an actress and living in New York. She had a movie come out last month and she is always posting pictures of her life, parties, working on movies, going to dinner with friends. I watch movies about the fast paced lives some people lead and I cannot wrap my head around it. I cannot imagine being able to run errands and go to dinner on the same day much less do any of the things other people do. I look at them and think, "Is that real? What does that feel like?" I am 45 years old and just realizing that there is a whole world of people out there, living lives and doing things I cannot even imagine and here I sit on my couch. I guess I am rambling but it just struck me this morning that my world is truly so small, but there is a world out there where people are living and having all kinds of exciting lives. I told my actress friend this morning that I wish I could be her for one day because one day would wear me out, but if I were healthy and normal and her for one day, I might not want to change back! I know there is a reason for everything and all of that jazz, God made me this way for a reason, but I sure wish he had given me just a little more energy and good health.

Kumquat, I will Miss You!!

I have several best friends. I actually wrote a blog about them a while back, but I also have a couple of friends whose relationship is....different to say the least. One such friend was Eugene Whitten. Eugene and I met in around 1993 and we were instant friends. He was loud and obnoxious and sooooo very hilarious. I was living in Rutherford, Tennessee and going to AA meetings in Milan, Tn and one day there he was, in all his craziness. He was a big man (around 380 to 400 lbs at his largest when I knew him)and we were like two peas in a pod. He came to visit me a couple of weeks after we met and stayed a few days in the tiny town of Rutherford and we had the BEST time!! My favorite memory is of Gene (wearing my big flowered bright housecoat), my daughter and myself running around in the grocery store shopping and for some reason we started yelling out the fruits that were available. Just walking along and belting out "Cantaloupe, peaches, watermelon, kumquat and pickled beets!!" I am still not sure how that last one got in there. Pickled beets. Pickled beets. Pickled Beets became his nickname for me. I always thought I should have been something cute like kiwi or star fruit, but he picked Pickled Beets. He became my kumquat though sometimes he signed his cards or notes to me as Kiwi. As it does life moved on. I found love and moved to Paducah and we lost touch for a while then came facebook and he found me on there and added me and I sent him my number and address and of course the cards rolled in. He would send me birthday, Christmas, or just everyday "I am thinking of you" cards. He would call me every week or two to check on me and we would talk for hours giggling and just being silly. Recently, he had to have surgery so he wouldn't be in touch for a few months and I was just thinking about him a few days ago and wondering how he was doing. My sister called me yesterday and told me he passed away. We are not even sure when or how, but my Kumquat is gone. My funny, loud, silly friend who often called me Smack Madam (if I needed a bath) and I would call him Jemima Puddleduck for the children's book, this special friend who made me cackle at the things he said is gone. I wish I could even begin to explain how I feel right now because though it doesn't seem real. I missed him before, but now it seems there is a Kumquat sized hole in my heart. I will miss you so much, Kumquat. I loved you dearly, Gene. Rest in peace.

Best Friends, Kelli Jo and Phantom Pain

Everyone has friends. Some people have a lot of friends (Like me, I'm poplar y'all and yes I spelled that wrong on purpose). Growing up I didn't have a lot of friends, I was grounded a LOT due to my smart mouth, but that is beside the point. When I was in first grade I had my very first "Best friend in the whole wide world". Her name was Eddie Russell and I loved that girl so much. Of course we grew up, made other friends and grew apart. I had another best friend in junior high school, but I was stingy and didn't want her to have other friends so when she got another friend that she hung around with, I quit being her friend. Then I met Kelli Jo. We had so much in common, and she was part of the "popular" crowd which the former friend and I had looked at and longed to be a part of, and here I was now, friends with one of the popular girls!! Kelli Jo and I were best friends for three years until sophomore year, when another girl kind of wedged her way between us. I threw my signature fit and gave Kelli and ultimatum and we stopped being friends for a long time. That is when I started being friends with Sonya Parish, my neighbor. We had so much fun hanging out, eating French fries and doing our make up and hair. We were best friends. I would ride to school with her and her brother, Curt who was always so nice to me. Then I quit school because I had so many health problems and Sonya graduated and went to college and became a teacher, I am so proud of her. Curt her brother is a dear friend of mine now, he is a computer geek like my fiancé Barry, now and we still talk almost daily on the Facebook. The only friend from my childhood that I was still in touch with was Craig Gregory, whom I had been in love with for several years in Junior high and high school.I got over that and he went and joined the service and retired from the Air Force a few months ago. I floated around with a few friends during my adult years and then when I got pregnant with my daughter I found out Kelli Jo was pregnant too. We had been feuding for several years over stupid things one or the other of us said or did, but I truly missed her, and that phantom friend pain was terrible. When we were pregnant we started talking again, albeit tentatively, and it was like we were never apart. Kelli and I are best friends to this day and even though I have a lot of friends, and I call them all my bestie, Kelli Jo is the one true constant friend in my life. Back a few years ago I had made a new friend, she was handicapped too and we got really close, then she got a divorce and lost her mind, running around doing drugs, staying out all night, making meth in her bathtub and such and I got worried about her daughter who was three our four years old being in amidst all that crazy and I snitched to her ex. I hate a snitch unless there is a child involved I would never tell on a best friend, but I had to that one time because I was terrified for the child. She quit speaking to me for a long time then we started hanging out again in 2009 after I almost died. She was still off her rocker, running wild and partying all the time. A few months ago we stopped being friends again because she got with a crazy man, literally he is diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and she told him I said a bunch of crazy stuff that I didn't say and he was sending me threatening emails and text messages talking about having his vengeance on me for trying to destroy his life. I just stopped talking to her because I was afraid and she started calling and sending hateful messages on facebook so I blocked her. I have that phantom friend pain every once in a while, missing her a little bit mostly because she understood my pain and being sick all the time, but I have a new friend, Summer who actually loves me. We have so much fun together and she has a lot of health issues too and so we compare our sicko problems and hang out as often as we can. She is really awesome and she is one of the best friends I have ever had besides Kelli Jo. Kelli and I have the kind of friendship that will last forever. I know if I called her right now at 6:00 a.m. and asked her to come get me she would, no questions asked, even though she lives two hours away. Kelli is the friend that it wouldn't just be a periodic phantom pain, it would tear my heart out and leave me bleeding and helpless, dying on the floor, if we ever stopped being friends again. Someone said the other day that the term best friend is childish and clingy, I don't feel that way. I have many, many friends and I call several of them my "bestie" because they are all the best. I love them all equally, but in different ways. I guess this is just mostly me rambling, but I wanted to tell you all my theory of best friends and what the term means to me. I love Kelli Jo just a tiny bit more though, because she is my soul mate as far as friends go. She is the sister of my heart. She makes me laugh so hard it hurts over absolutely nothing but a look. We giggle over everything when we are together and no one gets me like she does. We know each other better than we know ourselves and I wanted to pay tribute to her. I love my best bestie and if that is childish and clingy then I am proud to be that. I am up way too early, with way too little coffee in my system so if this makes no sense that is why. I love you, Kelli Jo.

Past, Present, and Hopefully Future

So today I was trying to think of something to write about. I was stuck without a thought in my head on what to entertain you folks with and then my friend said to write about myself and the changes I have gone through or made in the last year. I like that concept except I haven't changed or done much in the last year except quit being friends with someone I thought was a good friend who turned out to be not so great and I got a beautiful kitten and an awesome camera for my birthday. What I think I will do is compare the past Terrie with today's Terrie. First let me say when I was a child, I didn't have much of a childhood. I spent most of my childhood in hospitals sick or having surgery. It made me bitter and hateful. I hated anyone who was "normal" in my eyes. I spent my fifth birthday alone in the crippled children's home because it wasn't a visitation day and my family couldn't visit. I don't tell you this to make you feel sorry for me, but so you will understand when I tell you how awful I was in my youth. I was always thinking everyone was making fun of me and self conscious about the way I looked. I wanted to fit in but it was like a triangle trying to be a circle, it wasn't going to happen. When I did get a friend to hang out with me I was so controlling and mean they never stuck around for very long because I demanded all of their attention. They weren't allowed to have any other friends besides me. I remember this one girl name Stephanie, who wanted to be friends with me. I made her carry my books, carry my lunch, do my homework, whatever I could think of to make her do I did. One day she dropped the sandwich out of my lunchbox and I screamed and cursed at her for ten minutes straight in front of everyone in the lunchroom. I WAS AWFUL!!!! When I met my first boyfriend I was the same way, of course he was cheating on me all the time so I was right about him. I went for many years like this, treating people terrible (especially my family)and just being a mean, ugly person. Then I started drinking and using drugs. I got even worse then and by the time I was 24 years old I was in rehab. After rehab I learned to take an inventory and write about and deal with my resentments instead of letting them fester and explode. I started realizing I could be nicer and a better person and so I became the Terz you all know and love today. I try to be nice to everyone unless I just am not able and then I avoid them so as not to be ugly. That's not to say I don't have days or moments when I do and say ugly things because I still do. I get better every day though. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a friend, and a recovering alcoholic and addict and I am a better person for all my faults, just for today. I hope this makes sense and doesn't sound like I am babbling like an idiot.