3:30 a.m. musings

I have been thinking a lot lately, dangerous I know, but danger is my middle name, yo. I found out a schoolmate of mine passed away suddenly the other day and it made me realize how short our time here with loved ones really is. I have begun to notice recently how fast time goes by (except winter, winter lasts FOREVER)and it is rather distressing. I try to call my mother every few days and talk because I have begun to realize there will come a day when one of us isn't here any more and I don't want to regret neglecting to call her nor do I wish she would regret calling me when we were both here and available to talk. I get wrapped up in things like my photography, which by the way is why I haven't written in so long. I forget to call anyone and then when I finally think of it, it is usually midnight or after and too late to call. Today I heard a quote from T.S. Eliot's The Waste Land and it struck me hard. "I will show you fear, in a handful of dust." wow. What that means to me is that though most people think we fear death, and we do of course, but in reality what we fear is that once we are gone, no one will remember us. We will cease to be. I don't want people to forget me. I want to be remembered. I think that is why when the doctor's are putting me under for surgery or procedures, I freak out a little bit. That darkness. Total darkness. I am afraid that I won't come back from it and I will just cease to be. I also think that is why I am waking up every morning at 3:30 a.m. I just pop awake and that is it I am up. I cannot sleep like I want to. Maybe since I have figured this crap out today I will be able to sleep until six at least tomorrow :D here's hoping anyway.