Friday, October 11, 2013
Past, Present, and Hopefully Future
So today I was trying to think of something to write about. I was stuck without a thought in my head on what to entertain you folks with and then my friend said to write about myself and the changes I have gone through or made in the last year. I like that concept except I haven't changed or done much in the last year except quit being friends with someone I thought was a good friend who turned out to be not so great and I got a beautiful kitten and an awesome camera for my birthday. What I think I will do is compare the past Terrie with today's Terrie. First let me say when I was a child, I didn't have much of a childhood. I spent most of my childhood in hospitals sick or having surgery. It made me bitter and hateful. I hated anyone who was "normal" in my eyes. I spent my fifth birthday alone in the crippled children's home because it wasn't a visitation day and my family couldn't visit. I don't tell you this to make you feel sorry for me, but so you will understand when I tell you how awful I was in my youth. I was always thinking everyone was making fun of me and self conscious about the way I looked. I wanted to fit in but it was like a triangle trying to be a circle, it wasn't going to happen. When I did get a friend to hang out with me I was so controlling and mean they never stuck around for very long because I demanded all of their attention. They weren't allowed to have any other friends besides me. I remember this one girl name Stephanie, who wanted to be friends with me. I made her carry my books, carry my lunch, do my homework, whatever I could think of to make her do I did. One day she dropped the sandwich out of my lunchbox and I screamed and cursed at her for ten minutes straight in front of everyone in the lunchroom. I WAS AWFUL!!!! When I met my first boyfriend I was the same way, of course he was cheating on me all the time so I was right about him. I went for many years like this, treating people terrible (especially my family)and just being a mean, ugly person. Then I started drinking and using drugs. I got even worse then and by the time I was 24 years old I was in rehab. After rehab I learned to take an inventory and write about and deal with my resentments instead of letting them fester and explode. I started realizing I could be nicer and a better person and so I became the Terz you all know and love today. I try to be nice to everyone unless I just am not able and then I avoid them so as not to be ugly. That's not to say I don't have days or moments when I do and say ugly things because I still do. I get better every day though. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a friend, and a recovering alcoholic and addict and I am a better person for all my faults, just for today. I hope this makes sense and doesn't sound like I am babbling like an idiot.