My Worst Date EVER

ok people, our government is shut down, things are looking bleak, my hands are killing me as are my legs so I am going to go lighthearted and silly today with my blog post. My best friend Kelli's husband at the time, Jim decided to play match maker with myself and one of his friends. The guys name was Doug Something or other, I wouldn't tell you his real name any way but I can't remember it any way so whatever. So Jim tells his friend about me, the usual she's cute, funny, good personality, yadda yadda yadda. The guy agrees to a date so I get all pretty and smelling good and wait. He shows up and hour late, still I am late a lot myself so no biggie. Then when he shows up he has his three small daughters with him. Apparently though it wasn't his weekend, their mother decided to be "She-Devil" and drop them off to go on his date with him. They were FILTHY. I can't stand to see a kid with dirt and funk on their face it just IRKS me. They kept wanting to touch my face and my hair with their filthy hands, and that's fine I let them because I figured being as filthy as they were they didn't see clean skin very often. He was still dressed in his h.h. Gregg uniform and a dirty black trench coat. I thought we were going out, but since he had the kids we just ate McDonald's and hung out. He got the kids to lie down and they finally fell asleep and like some kind of lizard, he managed to jump me and put me almost in a choke hold. He started kissing my ear (I HATE THAT)and I felt something fall in my hair. Before I could reach up to see what it was (for all I knew he had spiders all in his clothes,or more likely roaches)he was on me like a lizard on a fly with his tongue halfway down my throat. I pulled back and he kept coming forward. I finally disengaged myself from him and he was just grossing me out completely so I told him I didn't think things were going to work out. He got mad, woke his dirty children and left. I found out after he left what was in my hair. He had a breath savor in his mouth and spit it in my hair trying to spit it over my shoulder I guess. EWWWWW. I thought nothing more about him until Kelli called me a few days later. Apparently he told Jim that I got naked, threw my legs over my head and walked on my butt cheeks like Stimpy the cat on Ren and Stempy!! He said I was too aggressive chasing him on my butt cheeks no less, across the house and trying to get with him!! I was horrified at first then I just started laughing and I still laugh to this day thinking about how I couldn't put my legs over my head no matter how hard I tried much less walk on my butt cheeks. I mean seriously dude, you couldn't have come up with a better story?? ugh WORST DATE EVER!!!!!!!!