Sunday, February 24, 2013
Honey and Vinegar
Ok here comes the wisdom ... "If you take a gallon of vinegar and put one drop of honey in it, would you drink that gallon of honey just desperately hoping to taste that drop of honey?? "This was my fiance Barry's analogy, but I'm stealing it for this blog. When you're in an abusive relationship, whether emotional or physically abusive, this is precisely what you're doing. That drop of honey is the sweetness the abuser (man or woman) uses to reel you in, but soon after you're hooked the vinegar comes in and you keep thinking that they'll change, it'll get better etc. But it won't and here's why. That sweetness wasn't really there. They might love you but they cannot maintain their "good"side because for whatever reason they haven't really got a good side. Abusers need to belittle, control, and sometimes hurt you physically. When you leave and they've lost control you might get a tiny glimpse or taste of that sweetness, but that's because they know it worked before. If you go back chances are it will get worse. I've been in several abusive relationships and due to very low, almost nonexistent I self esteem I stayed much longer than I should have and put up with far more than I would have if I'd had more self worth. The last one never hit me, though he drew back like he was going to once and I threatened to tell his mom. He threw a fork and hit me in the forehead though.When we got together I was almost 30, living in a cute house and going to college. I was maintaining a B average and had a nice car, tons of friends, an adorable house (rented) and was very close to my family. We met at an AA meeting and I thought he was so hot! He bought me gifts, came to see me a lot and after less than a month moved in with me and my daughter. He was always sweet to her too. After he moved in I quit college, I never went to meetings alone if he didn't go I couldn't go or he would pout. I couldn't hang out with my friend's or he would get mad and say I cared more about them than him. If my friends stopped by he would get mad and slam doors and pout. We moved soon after he moved in to a trailer and of course I had to put up the money for everything because he was laid off (fired) then my car just quit working suddenly (I found out he broke it on purpose)after we broke up and my dad looked at it so I had no car and had to beg to borrow his. He would cuss and scream at me all the time for any little thing.(the fork incident was because my daughter sniffled while we were eating) .He started screaming at her all the time and kicked her and broke her tailbone (though at the time I thought he kicked at her and missed) I still feel awful that I didn't leave that instant. I started beauty school and he would show up and just stand outside spying. Towards the end I caught him in my daughter's bedroom standing over her at 3:00 a.m. and it terrified me, but still I didn't leave him..he left me because I was still looking for that drop of honey. Let me tell you now there is no honey and if you're waiting for it to get better, don't because it won't!